An open letter to the California Black Bears residing in Claraboya, Wilderness Park adjacent to the Village of Claremont in Los Angeles County, State of California.

An open letter to the California Black Bears residing in Claraboya, Wilderness Park adjacent to the Village of Claremont in Los Angeles County, State of California.

From a Concerned Resident on behalf of the Clarapoobah HOA

I feel as if I must pay you a compliment. It’s pretty amazing how you can balance your broad 300-pound behind atop my thin wrought iron fence while you feast from my bird feeders; however, you had better hope that somebody from Ringling Brothers wasn’t scouting the neighborhood.

To the Mamas and the Papas, 

The Clarapoobah Homeowners Association has asked me to bring to your attention long-established protocols that we’ve been following.  

Due to the unique circumstances of the recent pandemic, Claraboya residents spent almost a year without hiking the Wilderness Park trail.  And just like our human youngsters, that lack of human contact experienced by your youngsters could possibly have negative consequences. Not having been steeped in the traditions of coexistence, your cubs have been exhibiting some frightening rumspringa behaviors. 

Our HOA CC&Rs prohibit unaccompanied minors from emerging from lairs before dark. Last night, my Massimo and I were one house-length away from turning into the Via Sinaloa cul-de-sac when one of your cubs came bounding out. They were gamboling across Via Espirito Santos with reckless abandon and had no regard for humans or canines.  It was not even dusk, let alone dark,  and we had the right to the streets until nightfall.  ( See HOA CC&Rs, Section VI. paragraph iii.)

This behavior, if left to continue, can come to no good. We simply won’t stand for it. A week from Thursday at 7 p.m., at the Hughes Community Center, the HOA will convene a special meeting censuring this behavior and reinforcing the code in question.   We welcome your participation or that of your designee. 

In the meantime, while I have your attention, before you embark on your Tuesday night romp preceding Wednesday morning trash pickup, bear in mind that each paw is unique and bears the identity of anyone who attempts to remain anonymous. I know who you are. Your muddy prints remain a stain on my stucco wall, so please stop it or use the disposable paw condoms I left for your convenience.    

Furthermore, for your information, I’m a vegan and never throw away berries or anything else storybooks tell us you like to eat.   I was a vegan for two years, and I remain stolidly plant-forward.  However, the owners of a McDonalds live on our street, and I have numerous carnivorous neighbors.  If you insist on dumpster diving, their garbage will likely be tastier than mine. 

You look as if you’d like to come and join us on the back patio.  We’ll talk. 

 

Sincerely,

Golden Lockes-Hoffmann

Special Contributor to the Clarapoobah HOA