Lean on the doorbell until you hear a small dog bark,
And then we will be fiddling with our phones because the doorbell is ringing.
Dear FedEx,
Hi! Hope you are having a good enough day to take a moment to think about this:
Laurence Hoffmann regularly gets shipments from La Feltrinelli Internet Bookshop, and they always require a signature, and most of the time, we are home, but SOMEONE IN A FEDEX UNIFORM GIVES UP before we can get to the door to accept the package, and then two old people who shouldn’t be on the road driving in rush hour traffic, let alone after dark, we have to drive to the FedEx facility near Ontario Airport.
PLEASE DON’T MAKE US DRIVE TO FEDEX ONT TONIGHT AT 6 P.M.!
If you agree to help us out, you have two options:
Here is all of the paperwork proving it’s us, and here are our signatures with today’s date accepting the package and waiving all liability for you, FedEx, and La Feltrinelli Internet Bookshop.
or
Lean on the doorbell until you hear a small dog bark,
and then we will be trying to calm the dog,
and then our phones will be giving us a signal that the doorbell is ringing,
and then we will be paying attention to our phones,
and where we hang out during the day is far, far away from this doorbell,
and then we will be easing out of our chairs
and then we will be reaching for anything else we might need
before we start walking towards the hallway, and it is a long way to the front door, and yes, we are very grateful we are still in our nice home, thanks for asking,
and then we have to leash the dog
and then we have to open the door,
and then we have to walk some more,
and then we have to open the outside gate with two hands,
and remember, we still have our five-pound watchdog on a leash,
and then, and only then, will we smile and say, “Hey there. How ya doin’?”
and gratefully and gracefully sign for and accept the package in person,
and personally thank you, that is, if you are still there,
and we know you have a lot to do, quotas to meet, schedules to keep.
So, for everyone’s sake, we hope you choose option one, and we will gratefully and gracefully accept the package in absentia.
Continue on a great day, and thanks for not making us drive to Ontario Airport tonight.
Sincerely,
Janice and Larry Hoffmann
Adorable.